Well, my depression which has been setting in deeper and deeper for months now hit a new low this morning at about 3 a.m. The final confirmation that we are closing down the office came from the boss. I'm jobless and am going to have to move back in with my family. Furthermore, I'm going to end up going into debt to my old boss to be able to afford to do this. I don't want to work for him on a long-term basis again but I'm feeling as if I may have no choice.
I sent my resume to one company yesterday and got the response back that they have no openings available but will keep me in mind when openings do come up. I'm going to send it off to another company today, anything to avoid working for Metrotime again. I can handle working for Metrotime for a few weeks or even a month or two, but I don't want to get myself locked into it, I was not treated properly there and the sad thing is my boss didn't even realize how poorly he was treating me. He seemed to think he was doing me a favor and that he was incredibly kind to me. He does have a kind attitude most of the time, but it's not all about attitude, it's about respect. I didn't get it there. I was asked to do ridiculous tasks and I was never even offered an actual position, I was a consultant the entire 2 years I worked for him, which of course meant double taxes (self-employment tax). He would continually say “I'm going to put you on regular insert time here“, but each time he would say that the time would come, and the time would go, and then weeks later he would say again, “I'm going to put you on regular insert another time here.”
It's not only that, I gave him my business outright and asked for only 2 things in return. I asked that #1) he pay me for my time when I had to work on the server, and #2) That he honor the agreements I had made with several of my customers. Well, there were several instances where he would order me to continually work on the server until the task was completed and then when it came time to pay, would not pay me for anything after say 6 p.m. when I worked all night and into the next day to fix the problem that he would order me to do. I did not appreciate that one bit, but I kept my mouth shut. As for my customers, he would continually say things like “How come this person is only paying this much?” and I would answer “Cause that's what we agreed upon” and he would say “Well he should be paying this much, I'm going to send him a letter.” That pissed me off, I asked for only 2 things when I gave him my business with my customers and he wouldn't keep to either one of them.
He didn't even realize he was doing it, it drove me crazy, how could he not see what he was doing to me, how could he not see how much he hurt me all the time? And now he seems like my only hope for being able to afford to move my stuff back home. Talk about your triple whammy.
The one thing I have always wanted was to be independent, to be able to provide for myself, now after living that dream for only 6 months I have to move back home with my parents.
The only way I can afford to do so is to get my old boss whom I hated working for to front me the money necessary to rent the uHaul and pay for gas, lodging, and food for the trip home, thus putting me in his debt and requiring me to work for him again.
On top of all this, I cannot help but feel shame as if I am a complete failure for this project not working
Yeah, I know the last one doesn't make sense, especially for those of you who know my situation. The problems of Western Carolina Wireless are not at all my fault, and I worked incredibly hard to circumvent those problems to no avail. But I'm a perfectionist, when a project I'm working on fails, I cannot help but feel shame at failure. I hate defeat. I loathe it, but here it is, staring right at me. What am I to do?
One thing is certain, I have GOT to find a job with medical benefits so that I can see a doctor about what I believe to be clinical depression.